Recently, I have been talking (a lot) about the four rules of biblical communication found in Ephesians 4, and specifically with the focus on the energy we spend second-guessing one another.
As a reminder, here are those four rules:
- Be honest
- Keep current
- Attack the problem, not the person
- Act, don’t react
(There is a handout at the bottom of this writing!)
These principles aren’t just helpful they’re essential in the church. Especially in moments of silence or misunderstanding.
Let me share a story of a couple that I once pastored. Names and details have been changed to protect their privacy, but the situation is real because I want you to see what happens when communication stops. (Transparently, I have considered posting and not posting this writing multiple times. However, in the end, I hope that it will provide light to many difficult situations.)
The Silent Drift
There were a couple in my church, I’ll call them Jim and Sarah, who had been deeply involved in the church for many years. While I’m not exactly sure how long they’d been attending, they had served in various roles (teacher, deacon, volunteer, etc.), walked through multiple seasons of ministry, and watched their children grow up in the life of the church.
Then, all of a sudden, their pattern changed. They stopped attending Sunday services. (At this point in my ministry, Sunday Morning worship was my main interaction with Jim and Sarah, and it occurred almost every Sunday.)
At first, I didn’t think much of it. Everyone misses from time to time. Many people (at that time) seemed to be in the middle of vacation season, and even I had taken some time off to spend with family. Also, it’s not uncommon to miss someone in a service. Regardless of the size of the church, you may enter through a different door, leave during the final song, or simply get lost in the crowd. (I’ve been in a church with 27 exterior doors and one with 3…it happens in both.) But after three weeks, I noticed our paths still hadn’t crossed, and so I reached out.
Sarah’s reply voicemail was warm: “Hey, thanks for checking in. We’ve just been busy and had family in town.” She even referenced an upcoming youth event that she hoped to assist with, because she remembered how much it blessed her kids.
I considered our relationship close enough to believe her, and in line with the biblical call to honesty, I took her words at face value.
It was unique that in week four, only Sarah came. I knew because I had cleared my responsibilities and was actively searching and waiting for them both. Then came weeks five through seven. No sign of either one. At this point, church friends and some in leadership began to ask about them. I shared what little I knew and encouraged them to reach out (reaching out is part of the responsibility of the whole church family). To the congregation’s credit, they did reach out. Calls were made, emails were sent, messages were left, and one or two tried to go by and visit. Unfortunately, there was very little response from Sarah, and no response from Jim to anyone.
By week eight, Sarah returned alone. When others kindly inquired about Jim, the only explanation they received was: “He won’t say.”
What Do We Do With Silence?
Here’s where it gets complicated.
I’m not trying to judge motives. As Proverbs 18:17 reminds us, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” And the truth is, I never heard Jim and Sarah’s side. Even now, as I write the events, I would love to hear their side. I feel like I tried to provide an opportunity to hear. Others did too.
But communication, by its very nature, requires participation. Biblical communication isn’t just about telling the truth; it’s also about staying current. Thankfully, silence isn’t a Biblical communication tool. That means if something’s wrong, we lovingly confront or tell each other. If something hurts, we say so. If we need space, we explain why. Communication avoidance stops nothing.
When that doesn’t happen, misunderstanding and relationship distance take root in the silence. And it grows!
The Risk of Disconnection
Here’s what I continue to fear, not as a pastor but as a brother in Christ: The longer the silence continues, the more the church will simply move on without them, and a disconnect begins.
Not because anyone still with the church family wants to. However, it is because time keeps going. Weeks turn into months. Ministry continues. New needs arise. Events fill the calendar. New people join the church. Relationships deepen among those who remain present. The rhythm of worship continues. When people like Jim and Sarah stop attending and communicating, these other things can take up that energy.
At some point, I think that most people in the church assume things are fine. Others may assume they aren’t. However, eventually or inevitably, people simply stop reaching out. Not because the congregation doesn’t care, but because they don’t know what else to do. The expectation, or anticipation, of their attending fades.
Silence doesn’t stop the problem; it stops the relationships. If someone stays disconnected long enough, they risk the slow loss of shared relationships and spiritual connection. For you see, that’s the real cost of broken communication. The gradual unraveling of connecting to a local spiritual community. And that cost is very high.
So What Now?
If this writing finds someone who is feeling disconnected, can I offer you a simple encouragement?
Talk.
It doesn’t have to be some prepared speech. You may struggle with emotions, feelings, and the words to convey your thoughts. You don’t have to agree with everything or everyone, and you may not get “your way.” But please, be honest. Keep current. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Transparently, talking may not be able to save your fellowship with that local church.
Please remember silence is not peace. It’s just the slow unraveling of what was once whole. As author and psychologist Jordan Peterson has said, “conflict delayed is conflict multiplied.” Unspoken frustration doesn’t just fade; it festers and deepens. And it often resurfaces in less healthy ways.
For the rest of us, those on the other side of the silence, those who notice the absence, who still wonder and worry, take a deep breath and don’t give up too quickly. Keep reaching out. Never stop showing grace. Keep offering love.
Yes, there may come a time when a person chooses to leave and stops being part of that local church family. That is their decision. But as long as the door is cracked open, let’s be people who knock gently, lovingly, persistently.
A pastoral caveat before the closing prayer: As I finish writing the story about Jim and Sarah, I want you to know that I never found out why they stopped communicating and attending church. As of this writing, I am unaware if they ever joined another church. However, when they cross my mind, I do stop and pray for them.
A Closing Prayer
Father,
Thank You for the gift of Christian community. Thank you for our brothers and sisters who walk with us, pray for us, challenge us, and love us. Help us to speak the truth in love. Please help us to keep current with one another, and not let small hurts become deep wounds.
For those who are disconnected, I pray that You bring restoration. For those who are reaching out and receiving silence, give them endurance and grace.
Teach us how to love like Christ, honestly, patiently, and with compassion.
May our churches be places where communication thrives and relationships are guarded with humility and care.
In Jesus’ name we pray,
Amen.
Mark Rogers
Pastor Mark is the primary author and content creator of pastormarkrogers.com. Additionally, he serves as Pastor of Lighthouse Sylva. You can find out more by clicking the About Page.
