Complementary Rules of Communication

Teaching and preaching on the Four Rules of Communication from Ephesians 4 is nothing new. I learned the concept years ago and have returned to it often in counseling, ministry, leadership, and everyday relationships. Recently, I rewrote my explanation of those rules, which you can read here.

As a quick reminder, the Four Rules of Communication are:

1. Be Honest
2. Keep Current
3. Fight the Issue, Not Each Other
4. Think and Act; Don’t React

Over the years, I have adjusted some of the wording, but the principles remain the same. They provide a simple and helpful framework for healthy communication. However, the longer I use these rules, the more convinced I become that there is something underneath them. The Four Rules tell us what to do, but they don’t fully address the attitudes that make them work.

For a while, I considered calling these the “unspoken rules” of communication, but that title falls apart the moment I write them down, and you read them. Instead, I think of them as the complementary rules of communication.

These complementary rules are not replacements for the original four. They are the natural companions to them. If the Four Rules of Communication are true, then certain attitudes and commitments must also be true if we hope to practice them well.

In many ways, this writing is my attempt to unpack Ephesians 4:29 in lived-out form: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Communication is about more than speaking. It is also about listening, understanding, caring, and pursuing a common goal. These complementary rules help us do exactly that.

1. Listen in Honesty

If we are called to speak honestly, we must also learn to listen honestly.

That sounds simple, but some continue to find it surprisingly difficult. Too often, we enter conversations already convinced we know what the other person is going to say. We hear a few words, fill in the rest ourselves, and respond to the version of the conversation we imagined rather than the one that actually happened.

Honest listening requires discipline. It means resisting the urge to prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking. It means setting aside assumptions long enough to hear what is actually being said. More than that, honest listening seeks understanding. It listens carefully enough to be able to say, “Let me tell you what I heard you say,” and accurately reflect the other person’s thoughts and concerns.

Truth is often discovered in that process. Two people may begin a conversation with very different perspectives, but when both are willing to speak honestly, listen honestly, and respond (speak again) honestly, they have an opportunity to move toward a shared understanding of reality.

James reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Solomon warns that answering before listening is both foolish and shameful (Proverbs 18:13). Genuine communication begins when we care more about understanding than defending ourselves.(Speaking truth requires listening to truth.)

2. Show Up

If we are going to keep current, we must be willing to show up.

Many communication problems are not caused by what was said. They are caused by conversations that never happened.

Assumptions thrive in the absence of communication. When we stop asking questions, checking in, and seeking clarification, we begin filling the gaps with our own conclusions. We convince ourselves we know what another person meant, what they were thinking, or why they acted the way they did.

The problem is that assumptions are poor substitutes for conversations.

One of the simplest questions we can ask ourselves is this: “Do I actually know, or do I think I know?” If the truthful answer is, “I don’t know,” then the next step is not speculation; it is communication that we have to participate in.

• Ask.
• Check in.
• Clarify.
• Show up to the conversation, and quit assuming.

Could this conversation be hard? Maybe. Participation requires humility because it admits that our perspective may be incomplete. Experience can be valuable, but experience alone is not the same as truth. Healthy communication requires people who are willing to come to the table and engage rather than assume.

Proverbs 18:17 reminds us that the first side of a story often sounds convincing until another perspective is heard. Proverbs 18:2 warns against delighting in our own opinions rather than seeking understanding.

Keeping current only works when both people are willing to participate and show up in the process.

3. Think about the other person

If we are going to fight the issue and not each other, we must learn to think about the other person.

That sounds obvious, but it is often where communication breaks down. We become so focused on what we want to say (or if we are “winning”) that we stop considering how our words, tone, timing, or body language may be received.

Thinking about the other person does not mean avoiding difficult conversations. It means approaching those conversations with genuine concern for the person on the other side of the table (phone call, desk, Zoom meeting, etc. You get the point.)

Before speaking, I should ask myself a few questions:

• Am I assuming the best or the worst?
• Am I trying to understand or merely convince?
• Am I speaking in a way that helps this person hear me?
• Am I more concerned about being right or being helpful?

One of the most practical ways this principle plays out is in the assumptions we make. When a problem arises, my first instinct should not be to assume malicious intent. More often than not, the issue is our misunderstanding, our miscommunication, or we have incomplete information, or differing perspectives.

That doesn’t mean people are never wrong. It simply means that relationships deserve the benefit of a conversation before they are met with the verdict that “they” are instantly wrong. Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). While that verse is often quoted at weddings, it applies just as much to everyday relationships. Love chooses to believe there may be more to the story.

This principle also creates a kind of relational safety. In healthy communication, there should be enough trust that someone can say, “What you’re saying feels like an attack,” without the conversation immediately collapsing. Why? Because our goal is not to defeat one another. Our goal is to address the issue while preserving the relationship.

When we think about the other person, we communicate differently. We become slower to accuse, quicker to clarify, and more willing to pursue understanding.

4. Be Intentional

If we are going to follow rule number four, think and act rather than react, we must be intentional.

Reaction is often driven by emotion. Intentionality is driven by purpose. When I react, my goal is usually immediate relief. I want to express the emotion of what I’m feeling, defend myself, prove my point, or release my frustration.

When I communicate intentionally, however, I have an opportunity to have a greater purpose in mind, such as:

• I want to understand.
• I want to be understood.
• I want to preserve the relationship.
• I want us to move forward together.

Intentional communication requires slowing down long enough to ask, “What am I actually trying to accomplish here?”

In my opinion, too many conversations fail because the people involved have never identified a common goal. One person wants a resolution. Another wants validation. Someone wants an apology. Another simply wants to be heard. When those goals remain unspoken, frustration grows.

Intentional communication seeks clarity about where we are trying to go. Amos 3:3 “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Communication without shared intention goes nowhere.

In many cases, the goal is not agreement on every detail. The goal is understanding, reconciliation, wisdom, or a healthier relationship moving forward.

Unfortunately, this kind of communication takes effort. It requires listening carefully and sometimes enduring uncomfortable conversations for the sake of something greater.

But that effort communicates something powerful:

• You matter enough for me to stay in this conversation.
• You matter enough for me to listen.
• You matter enough for me to ask questions.
• You matter enough for me to work through the difficulty rather than walk away from it.

That is intentional communication. It is not driven by the emotion of the moment but by the desire to pursue a shared goal together.

Pastor Mark’s Conclusion

The longer I teach (and try to use) the Four Rules of Communication, the more convinced I become that communication is about more than words. A person can speak truthful things without really listening. A person can insist on addressing problems while refusing to show up for the conversation. Someone can focus on winning an argument rather than caring for the person across the table. While others can avoid explosive reactions while still approaching a conversation with selfish goals.

That is why I find myself returning to Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Notice the focus is not merely on speaking. The focus is on building. Building what? Healthy communication is not measured by whether I got my point across (while that is an aspect). It is measured by whether the conversation moved us toward truth, understanding, and growth.

The original Four Rules help us know what to do. The Complementary Rules help us understand how to do it.

Listen honestly.

Show up.

Think about the other person.

Be intentional.

When those attitudes accompany our words, communication becomes more than the exchange of information. It becomes an opportunity to strengthen relationships, pursue truth together, and build one another up in Christ.