4 Rules of Communication from Ephesians 4

A personal caveat before I begin: this writing and the lessons within it hold a special place in my heart. I originally shared a version of this post on my former website (click here for why), and it’s taken me a long time to return to this specific topic. Perhaps that delay is because this subject matters so deeply to me, or because I know it could easily turn into four or five additional posts to say everything I want to say. Still, I believe now is the right time to revisit it.

The “Four Rules of Communication” are not new. They are often taught at conferences (where I was first introduced to them), in church settings, and in Sunday schools. These principles are rooted in Scripture, particularly in Ephesians 4, which will serve as our primary teaching text.

I want to encourage you to read Ephesians 4:25-32. While I will share the verses below individually, I strongly encourage you to open your Bible (whether it’s paper or an app) and read them together as a whole. Honestly, it wouldn’t hurt to read the whole chapter four, or the entire book of Ephesians…but I digress.

We have all experienced moments when relationships (whether with a family member, co-worker, friend, or spouse) have suffered because of communication or the lack thereof. What is encouraging for the Christian is that Scripture does not leave us guessing. The Bible clearly teaches us how we are to communicate with one another. In fact, there are over seventy verses in Scripture that address some aspect of communication.

So let’s dive into these four rules, explore what they mean, and consider how we can apply them today.

Rule #1 Be Honest (Eph 4:25)

Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”

To “Be Honest” is to speak the truth. Put simply, it means attempting to accurately communicate the facts as they are to the appropriate person. If it’s the wrong person, we are gossiping. And if we are going to lie, why communicate at all?

This may sound countercultural, especially in a world that is often more concerned with how we appear than with what is true (we call them influencers). Yet the biblical rule of “be honest” in communication calls us to something deeper. Regardless of how the truth may make us look, scripture calls us to pursue and speak the truth.

Here is where communication becomes difficult. Some things can be honest and still complicate the conversation. Your emotions are honest. The way you feel is honest. Saying the situation is emotionally upsetting is honest. To a degree, the people we are communicating with may need that information.

However, honesty about our emotions is not meant to derail the conversation or turn it into an attempt to “win the argument.” Rather, it should come from a place of stating what we are experiencing. Along the same lines, we should avoid hinting, suggesting, or refusing to directly answer questions asked of us.

While this may not be comfortable or pretty, this is the foundation upon which all biblical communication must begin.

Rule #2 Keep Current (Eph 4:26-27)

Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

There are two key aspects to consider when discussing the importance of rule #2, “keeping current”.

First, anger in and of itself is not a sin; it is an emotion. Harbored anger, however, becomes sinful. We are reminded that Jesus expressed anger and did not sin (see Matthew 21:12-13). Anger is far more likely to turn into sin when it is ignored, stored up, and left unresolved. When we allow anger to “build up,” it often leads to an eventual, and unhealthy, explosion. For that reason, we must pay close attention to how we handle our anger.

Second, we need to understand the phrase “Do not let the sun go down” as an issue of speed, not necessarily bedtime. Some people argue that this verse means you should never go to bed angry. On heavy or emotionally complex issues, I disagree. Rest, food, and even a possibility of sleep may be necessary before healthy conversation can continue.

The real question is this: At what speed are you working toward resolution? How quickly are you pursuing understanding, repentance, forgiveness, or reconciliation?

This idea feels almost impossible in our current culture. Many Christians would rather avoid difficult conversations altogether. People want to wait months and years in the hope that the issue will simply fade away. Yet God’s Word suggests the opposite: unresolved anger does not go away on its own. We must seek to address it. For the sake of our relationships and our spiritual health, we must work toward a resolution sooner rather than later.

Rule #3 Fight the problem, not each other. (Eph 4:29-30)

Note: Rule #3 has gone through two name changes since I began teaching these concepts. Originally, it was “Attack the problem, not the person,” and later, “Address the Issue, not the Identity.” Why the changes? Biblical communication. I want to make sure that I am using the right terms to connect with people.

Ephesians 4:29-30 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

Scripture reminds us that our words carry weight. They can either build others up or tear them down. Because of that, how we communicate matters just as much as what we communicate. I try to warn people to be careful; “some people own a black belt in verbal karate.” Words can wound faster and deeper than we often realize.

One of the greatest dangers in difficult conversations is allowing our words to shift from addressing the issue at hand to attacking the person involved. When this happens, communication quickly becomes destructive rather than redemptive. James 3:5-6 warns us that the tongue, though small, has the power to cause enormous damage when left unchecked.

Two important questions help guard our hearts and our speech: “What is the real issue?” and “Are my words expressing something that I do not actually intend?” These questions force us to slow down and examine whether we are seeking resolution or simply releasing frustration.

This principle can be challenging because there are moments when people genuinely disagree or move in different directions. Unity in Christ does not require uniformity in opinion. We can remain faithful believers without agreeing on every issue in this life. In some cases, wisdom and maturity may even require creating a healthy distance rather than ongoing conflict.

I think sometimes we want the famous movie line, “can’t we all just get along,” to be the theme of our Christian walk. When in reality it can be difficult.

Even so, biblical communication demands that we focus on actions, decisions, and behaviors, not personal worth or identity. When conversations turn toward character attacks, growth stops, and division deepens. Our goal is not to win an argument, but to speak in a way that builds, restores, and honors Christ.

The idea here is to consider what the problem? Is the problem something that we can work out? Is the problem something of a perceived notion, or is the problem that we have two differing views at once? Or an outcome that we have no room for compromise?

Allow me to add a guardrail: This principle should never be used as an excuse to abandon relationships that require perseverance, especially marriage. Some relationships are not meant to be discarded when they become difficult. Growth often requires humility, repentance, forgiveness, and the willingness to say, “I was wrong.” When we work against the problem, not the person, we assume the relationship itself is worth fighting for.

Rule #4 Think then Act; Don’t React (Eph 4:31-32)

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

In most situations, responding biblically does not come naturally. Our instinct is often to defend our own actions, attack the actions of others, and refuse to compromise on all fronts. We let pride take over, along with a host of other sins. This pattern becomes especially true when we start communicating in a reactionary mode. And the reason is simple, reacting is easy.

One sinful response added to another sinful response never results in biblical communication.
1 sin + 1 sin ≠ Biblical communication

Instead, we must learn to slow down and think carefully about our responses. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Acting, rather than reacting, requires intentional listening and thoughtful restraint.

Biblical communication calls us to apply Christian character to our words and actions. We are called to be:

• Kind — benevolent, helpful, and courteous
• Tenderhearted — compassionate, sympathetic, and affectionate
• Forgiving — willing to pardon the repentant and work toward reconciliation

While not formal rules of communication, the following questions are helpful tools to ask before addressing a problem. They are meant to be reflective, not reactive:

• Do I have the facts right? (Prov.18:13; 18:17)
• Is this a genuine problem or simply a personal preference? (1 Peter 4:8)
• Is my timing right? ( Prov. 15:23)
• Is my attitude right? Am I trying to help the other person or tear them down? (Eph 4:15)
• Have I prayed for God’s help? (Prov. 3:5)
• What outcome am I hoping for?
• What responsibility do I need to own in this situation?

Pastor Mark’s Conclusion on the Four Rules

So what?
I worry for myself and for other Christians that we may not fully realize just how much communication we engage in every single day. Family relationships, friendships, coworkers, servers, baristas, church members… and that list doesn’t even begin to account for our online interactions. Our words are constant, and so is their impact.

Biblical communication, then, is not merely a topic to study; it is a way of life. It is an essential part of the Christian walk. The real question is not whether we know these principles, but whether we are willing to live them out. I want you to consider: Am I communicating in the way God has instructed? Am I seeking to help others understand, or simply trying to be understood? Am I striving to be a person after God’s own heart, not only in belief, but in speech?

If we desire to act in a manner fitting of a Christian, we must also be willing to listen, to learn, and to respond with grace. The way we communicate says far more about our faith than we often realize.

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Click below for a quick reference guide to the 4 Rules of Communication.